


Axed with Dick Mieuv

by loveyhowl



Category: The Borgias (2011)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-06
Updated: 2014-09-06
Packaged: 2018-02-16 10:04:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2265606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loveyhowl/pseuds/loveyhowl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An interview with the Show.</p><p>Originally published 01/25/2014.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Axed with Dick Mieuv

[As "The Borgias" main title theme plays quietly in the background, a simple set comes to life under the glare of stage lights; a single camera pans out from a wall, littered with publicity stills of canceled network and cable television shows. Each show still is graffitied with an icon denoting the reason for its cancellation: dollar signs indicating that production costs were too high; downward-focusing graphs to indicate the ratings had plummeted; black profile silhouettes of males or females barfing to indicate that the show sucked; black profile silhouettes of males or females about to be gagged by huge gonads to indicate that the show sucked balls; boxing gloves to indicate tension on the set; a black-suited arm with a sparkling golden cufflink on its white cuff thrusting a middle finger to indicate general executive fucked-upness; or two black-suited arms with sparkling golden cufflinks on their white cuffs thrusting middle fingers to indicate executive fucked-upness of major proportions. The guest show of the evening's publicity still comes the fore and is scrawled over with "WTF?" plastered boldly across it.

The camera then pans to the host, sitting in a cozy blue lounge chair, and an identical one opposite him, empty and waiting for the guest of the evening.]

DICK MIEUV: Hello, everybody, I'm Dick Mieuv—welcome to "Axed" where we not only discuss your beloved Brilliant-But-Canceled television shows—we get up close and personal and talk with them, as well. Tonight's guest is fresh from the chopping block: please join me in welcoming "The Borgias"...

[The Show walks out from off-stage: a six-foot Season One DVD case, with head, arms and legs, wearing red Cardinal's robes and a red biretta. He joins the host on stage; they shake hands and then both sit down as the music fades out.]

DICK MIEUV: Borgias...thank you so much for joining us tonight.

SHOW: Thank you for having me, Dick.

DICK MIEUV: First, let me say how deeply sorry I am about the abrupt cancellation of your show—you were just phenomenal, I can't believe they did that.

SHOW: Well, thanks so much for that, Dick, it really was a major betrayal and a total dick move, let me tell you... 

DICK MIEUV: Huh?

SHOW: What?

DICK MIEUV: You just said my--oh, never mind...

SHOW: Before we get started, can I say just say how much I love your set? These chairs—the floor! Reminds me of the hotel lobby of the Fontainebleau in Miami—really beautiful.

DICK MIEUV: You don't think it's too much? Because that's how I feel, just blue...bluer than blue.

SHOW: No, yeah...I totally get it.

DICK MIEUV: I mean, like, I-Just-Came-Down-From-Ecstasy, blue...

SHOW: Preaching to the choir, dude.

DICK MIEUV: I'm sorry...I'm so sorry, that's not professional, at all...

SHOW: No harm, no foul, man.

DICK MIEUV: What a class act you are—but that's no surprise to me. Okay, I'm just gonna get down to it...

SHOW: Let's do it, man.

DICK MIEUV: So, when did you know that the end was near?

SHOW: Oh, wow...like...by the time we were shooting the last two epi's, I would say.

DICK MIEUV: What tipped you off?

SHOW: Well, pretty much when I met the script for the movie. Everybody was really stoked about the—then—season finale, and we were all like, "Where are the storyboards for next season?" and everybody was, you know, looking for the teleplay to come in the mail any day and shit. We knew that the new season lineups were far from decided at that point, but you know...we were told that we were getting a four season run, so we were just kinda goin' with that, you know?

DICK MIEUV: So that whole thing about not enough material...

SHOW: Oh man, complete BS. I mean, to be fair, I am exhausting—and expensive—to produce, but we all knew what we were signing up for—at least, we thought we did. And we thought Dude was down and committed, we really did.

DICK MIEUV: Well, I'll tell you one thing—a lot of your fans think he should be committed—and left to rot in a small rubber room.

SHOW: Ouch, man, that's just harsh.

DICK MIEUV: Maybe so, but I'm thinking not really.

SHOW: (chuckles) Okay, I'll just leave that one alone.

DICK MIEUV: So, you met the script—when was that?

SHOW: Oh, just before we wrapped up the last epi.

DICK MIEUV: And how did that go?

SHOW: Well, I was cool with her and she was cool with me. At that point it was all about closure for me and the cast and crew—I would have been totally cool with the two hour movie—and she was a total babe, dude—I'm still trying to hook up with her, but I think she feels kind of uncomfortable over how it all went down. People were saying she was written badly and that she would never be enough to satisfy the fans—she's pretty busted up about it. Kind of makes it hard to, you know, make the date thing happen.

DICK MIEUV: Yeah, that's a tough break. Where is she now? Have you talked to her at all?

SHOW: Oh man, I wish. No, she like, totally canceled her cell service and then went to Development Hell. I really liked her, though...really...like, a lot.

DICK MIEUV (wistfully): The one that got away, huh, Borgias?

SHOW: I would have to say that's a very definite yes, Dick.

DICK MIEUV: So, how have you been spending your days—it's almost Sunday again...

SHOW: (chuckles) Yeah, Sunday is totally gonna be rough for me. But, you know, I've been in real good company, these days...I've made lots of new friends...

DICK MIEUV: Oh, that's nice—like who?

SHOW: Oh man, I've met Deadwood! He is so fuckin' cool! And The Oblongs—always good for a laugh—keeps everybody cheered up.

DICK MIEUV: So, where you are now—not just cable shows?

SHOW: Oh, hell no; animated shows; broadcast TV shows; every canceled show that's ever been, all hanging around hoping to come back to life on Netflix, like Arrested Development, you know? It's all about media rights and suits and lawyers. And egos.

DICK MIEUV: So, the director—do you feel like you were sabotaged in any way, Borgias? A lot of people have been asking the question. I mean, it's common knowledge that he really wanted to get your movie friend in the works...or was it Showtime?

SHOW: You know, I don't know; I tried calling him and he never returned my calls; he just wasn't talking, you know? I know our ratings weren't great, but you know, closure...I mean, I can sit here and criticize like anybody else: "Why didn't they pace me for three seasons instead of four; why couldn't I get a half season; why couldn't I couldn't I get a two-hour wrap up"—hell they gave The Big C four! But I've been talking to a real cool dude: Frank's Place, and boy did he have tales to tell—from back in the day when you plugged your damn TV into the wall and actually got free quality programming. But he put it all in a kind of perspective for me: we existed and still exist; we brought some happy viewing hours to a few people and that's what a show always endeavors to do—and manages it, if we're lucky. All of that other stuff is out of our control. We're written, we're produced—we just don't have control over the renewals or the cancellations or whether we get the full run. I'm not a fan of "leave them wanting more" but I'd rather that than the alternative—crapping out and running too long—ending up a total, huge disappointment, you know? It's all I've got, but I have to make peace with it.

DICK MIEUV: You know, those are sage words, Borgias, but your fans feel unloved, you know this, right?

SHOW: Hey, Dick, I feel unloved, too. So do a lot of other shows; Carnivale still cries herself to sleep every night—it's just awful. And Moonlighting—the chip on _that _guy's shoulder...Jesus. And Jericho...runs around all day muttering, "Fuck The Walking Dead! Fuck Zombies to hell—they don't know what survival is all about at all, bullshit posers!" I just don't want to be that guy, you know?__

__DICK MIEUV: So what would you tell your bereft fans, Borgias? Should they still subscribe to Showtime? Should they take a chance on Ray Donovan or The Vatican?_ _

__SHOW: Well, if you ask that you could ask them if they should take a chance on any show._ _

__DICK MIEUV: But Showtime's programming is a monthly bill, man._ _

__SHOW: I understand that, Dick, but I would never want to speak against another show. There needs to be some real changes made in the industry, but honestly, as long as we've got greedy suits controlling the networks, subscription or broadcast, well, it's always going to be a crap shoot. So viewers are going to have to decide for themselves, and I think many are. But, you know, you're going to have to hit them in their pocket to make any real changes come about. Until then I really don't know what to tell anybody, man. I'm just here and glad that I got a chance to be, at all; and so very honored that I had fans who loved me. I can only hope that one day people will turn the tide on these greedy fuckers and effect the positive changes that they deserve._ _

__DICK MIEUV: Borgias...again I say, you are a class act—I wish we could have gotten closure, but there's always the boxed set—fuck Showtime! Uh, we'll leave it there, folks. Thank you, Borgias, for talking with me tonight. It was an honor and a pleasure._ _

__SHOW: No, man, it was all mine—thank you again, so much, for having me._ _

__DICK MIEUV (Looks into the camera): And thank you for tuning in to "Axed", with me, Dick Mieuv, saying goodnight and may all of your television viewing hours be happy ones._ _

__[The "Borgias" main theme music comes up as the set goes dark and credits roll; we see the silhouettes of the host and the Show as they sit talking against the lit backdrop of the wall of publicity stills. The host gets up from his chair and goes to the Show, drops to his knees and bows down to him. The Show can be seen to be visibly reacting awkwardly as he looks about the stage for help; the host can be seen fighting off stagehands, who manage with great difficulty, the task of dragging him away from the Show just before the credits end and the program cuts away.]_ _


End file.
